All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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