During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
