well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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