i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
