Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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