I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
