He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
