He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
