Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
