if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Randomize
