I accidentally had phone sex last night
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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