I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
