did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
