The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
