dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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