I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
