Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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