do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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