obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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