How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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