I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Randomize