I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
