Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
