She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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