I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Randomize
