by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
