dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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