my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
