things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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