I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
