thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
