Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
