I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Randomize
