Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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