Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize