oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
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