my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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