If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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