what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
