I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
