wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
