Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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