I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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