I have demons in me.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
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