Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
