My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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