God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize