you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
