Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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