she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize