Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
