adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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