they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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