I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
