i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
