Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize