it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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