Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Randomize
