u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
