Fine. I'll sleep in my office
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
