I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
